I Can’t Find A Job

Overeducated, under experienced, and unemployed

Archive for March 2009

From Wall Street to Red Light

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sexWith the economy in a downturn and many former professionals out of jobs, what’s a gal to do? Strip! The New York Post is reporting that tons of professional woman – think real-estate brokers and former Wall Street types – are now working at strip clubs throughout New York City. The “entertainers” make approximately $1,500 a night and also enjoy flexible hours.

One dancer who was a former financial analyst at Morgan Stanley claims she makes $160,000 a year on tips alone dancing at a club in Midtown.

Strip clubs are claiming they receive a ton of applications a week from former professional women seeking employment. One club, Flash Dancers, says it receives 50 applications a month for a measly 5 spots while Rick’s Cabaret cites applications statistics to the tune of 50 a week.

Perhaps I’m looking in the wrong areas to find a job?


Written by icantfindajob

March 29, 2009 at 6:34 am

Posted in Random

Vince from Sham-Wow Punches Prostitute in the Face

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vincefromshamwowYou’re watching TV and all of a sudden, a commercial aires featuring a slimy but convincing salesman known as Vince. Vince is most known for trying to sell you “super-absorbent” towels called “Sham-Wow(s)” that can do ANYTHING! They can fight fires, protect the environment, clean up soda spills, wash dogs, and make you more appealing to the opposite sex. Vince is also less known for selling the Slam Chop, a cutting tool that dices almost any food item you want.

Well, according to the Chicago Sun Times, Vince Schlomi was recently arrested. Vince was arrested last month and charged with felony battery for punching a prostitute. Vince brought the prostitute back to his hotel in Miami under the agreement that she would provide “straight sex” and he would give her $1,000. Vince kissed the prostitute and she allegedly bit his tongue and refused to let go. He then punched the prostitute in the face multiple times until she let go and ran to the hotel lobby to call police. The prostitute, Lenea Harris, suffered multiple cuts and fractures to her face.

I wonder if Sham-Wows provide legal help too?

Written by icantfindajob

March 28, 2009 at 5:19 pm

Posted in Random

Retail Hell: Customers

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Wild ManIf you’ve read my blog for any length of time or followed me on Twitter, you would know that I work part-time in retail as I search for a career. I’ve been working in retail ever since high school and let me tell you that it is one of the worst jobs imaginable. I’ve been meaning to delve into this gloomy side of my life and I’d like to talk about one of the worst aspects of the job: customers.

Customers are responsible for sales help, cashiers, and others being employed in retail but many retail employees wish they never had to talk to a customer. Although 80% of the people that come into a store are normal, know how to act, are respectful, and medicated as recommended by their psychiatrist, the other 20% are not. They are rude, inconsiderate, completely bonkers, make outrageous demands, and are generally despicable wastes of life. You might be saying that 20% isn’t a lot but when you take into account the average big-box retailer averages 1-4 thousand customers a day, 20% becomes hundreds of out-of-control, poorly medicated psychopaths that desire to make retail sales help’s lives a living hell. Here’s just a tidbit of what I have to deal with on any given day at lovely work:

Butting In
I’ll be helping and talking with a customer when some maniac charges towards us and jumps into the conversation to ask his or her question without waiting. Inevitably, this pisses the customer I’m talking with off and the two exchange unpleasantries. One time, two customers got so mad at each other they went outside to fight. I have no idea if they did as I welcomed their absence and went to take a break in the back of the store. When customers ask a question when I’m clearly engaged in conversation with another customer, I now ignore them.

Not Knowing What They Want & Expecting Me to Know
Quite frequently a customer will attempt to tell me what they want or describe to me what their looking for but they don’t provide any information that could actually help me identify what their looking for. They use phrases like, “You know, that thing!” or “There’s this thing I saw on TV that um, you know…um, it’s on that commercial.” Somehow they expect me to respond with, “OH YEAH! That’s thing has been flying out of here like crazy. I know exactly what you’re talking about! Here you go!” I will now respond with a standard line for all situations where a customer fails to provide me with any useful information when asking a question: “You must be looking for Sham-Wow!”

People That Stop Taking Their Medication
These people come into the store, have a slight attitude to start with, and the slightest thing sets them off causing them to freak out and storm out of the store.

“Sorry sir, we don’t have the item you’re looking for.”
“@*(#&@*(#& Damn this f****** store you can all go to hell; this place sucks…I’m never shopping here again!!&*&@#”

“How do you use this product?”
“I don’t know sir, I’m not familiar, but I’ll look at the directions with you.”
“I don’t want the directions, I want to know about the product.” *Throws product to ground and storms out of the store.*

These people walk into the store and act like everybody in the store is a lowly servant whose only job is to service their any need. Some people go so far as to demand that their carts are pushed around the store for them. Others dictate clear reminders to the sales help as to what their job is – “Your job is to help me! I pay your check!” They often demand that you follow them around the store and place all items in their cart (even really small ones).

All the above are reasons I need to find a job!

Written by icantfindajob

March 28, 2009 at 11:49 am

Posted in Hell

And The Layoffs Begin at GM!

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gm-logoThe General Motors layoffs have begun as the company began slashing white-collar jobs, according to the New York Post.

This morning (Tuesday), GM told 160 people at its manufacturing engineering operation in Warren, Michigan that they would be laid off as of April 1st. This first round of cuts is the beginning of 3,400 salaried layoffs the company has planned in the United States and part of the 47,000 worldwide cuts GM wants to have by year’s end. GM also plans to cut 18,000 blue-collar workers by the end of 2009.

GM has been living off of $13.4 billion in government loans amidst requests for another $16.6 billion dollars to maintain viability and stay afloat.

Hooray for layoffs!

Written by icantfindajob

March 24, 2009 at 4:29 pm

I Can’t Live on $36 Million Either

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coinsThe New York Post reports that Marie Douglas-David has a problem. You see, she’s the soon to be ex of United Technologies Chairman George David and she claims that she cannot survive on the $36 million dollar payment she is going to receive from the divorce. The poor woman laments that such a miserable chunk of change cannot cover he weekly bare-essential expenses of $53,000. Yes, those are her “bare-essential” expenses and these expenses include no luxuries. It makes me wonder how the hell I get by on $12/hr – part-time, mind you.

So what will ease Marie Douglas-David’s pain? She says that about a mere $100 million should cover it. Her soon to be ex-husband says “no can do” as she already agreed to the terms of the post-nup and also points to the fact that the 30-years-younger blonde made off with quite a bit of other goodies as well. These include 4-carat diamond earrings valued at $255,000 and a $97,000 Mercedes to name a few.

And I can’t find a job. Gotta love life.

Written by icantfindajob

March 20, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Posted in Random

Mariah Carey Hates Poor People

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mansion1According to Luxist.com, Mariah Carey has made an offer on California’s Fleur de Lys, the world’s most expensive mansion with a listed price of $125 million (!!!) dollars. The mansion is located in Beverly Hills on five-acre lot and has 15 bedrooms. The mansion itself runs 41,000 square feet and is mainly composed of French limestone inspired by France’s Vaux le Vicomte palace just outside of Paris.

The mansion has Italian marble walls, gold-embossed leather wall coverings, and a library with rare books just to name a few of the amenities. The property boasts a 3,000 square foot manager’s house, staff quarters for 10 people, a pool, spa, and a championship tennis court amongst a plethora of gardens and other luxuries.

Written by icantfindajob

March 20, 2009 at 7:26 am

Posted in Random

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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cloverHappy St. Patrick’s Day!

Make sure you do all things Irish today!  Drink a green beer, eat a green bagel, and start a bar fight!

Written by icantfindajob

March 17, 2009 at 7:25 am

Posted in Random